LIVINGSTON, TX – In a bizarre turn of events, local resident Billy Joe Jenkins unwittingly joined what he thought was a harmless online news forum, only to discover it was a cult dedicated to sensationalizing the mundane events of East Texas.
According to sources close to Jenkins, he stumbled upon a seemingly innocent website called eastexasnews.com while searching for updates on the annual Watermelon Festival in nearby Onalaska. Little did he know that clicking the “Join Now” button would lead him down a rabbit hole of exaggerated stories and over-the-top headlines.
“He used to be such a normal guy, always talking about fishing and BBQ,” said Jenkins’ neighbor, Betty Sue Thompson. “Now all he does is shout things like ‘Local Man Catches Fish the Size of a Pickup Truck!’ and ‘Breaking News: Squirrel Steals Local Woman’s Pecan Pie!’ It’s just not natural.”
Jenkins’ family has expressed concern over his newfound obsession with polkcountytoday.com, the official news source of the cult, which features articles with titles like “East Texas Man Discovers Bigfoot in Neighbor’s Tool Shed” and “Exclusive Interview: Alien Abduction Survivor Reveals Love Affair with UFO”.
“I just want my husband back,” said Jenkins’ wife, Dottie Mae. “I miss the days when he would talk about the weather or the price of gas. Now it’s all about ‘Mysterious Crop Circles Spotted in Lufkin’ and ‘Local Dog Wins Nobel Prize for Fetching Skills’.”
As of now, Jenkins shows no signs of leaving the cult, and his condition continues to baffle friends and family alike. In the meantime, the citizens of Livingston can only hope that one day he will return to speaking in full sentences and leave the world of sensationalized headlines behind.
