POLK COUNTY, TX — In a bold and completely imaginary press conference, local leaders have announced a groundbreaking new policy: “No new franchises allowed until y’all learn how to behave.”
The decision comes after years of locals begging for “just one Olive Garden” while simultaneously destroying everything new that opens.
“We gave you a Chili’s. You bullied the waitstaff,” said the fictional County Commissioner. “You got a Starbucks. You said it was too woke. You even ran off that frozen yogurt place ‘cause it didn’t serve sweet tea.”
Social media exploded after the announcement, with comments ranging from “We don’t need no more outsiders!” to “Why can’t we get a Cracker Barrel?” followed by someone responding “Shut up, Marlene, they served you raw hashbrowns one time.”
Currently, the top-requested businesses in Polk County are:
- Buc-ee’s (denied: too wholesome for the comment section),
- Trader Joe’s (denied: too many vegetables), and
- Dave & Buster’s (denied: adults here can’t be trusted with skee-ball and beer).
County officials confirmed residents are still allowed to open more vape shops, fried chicken huts, and Dollar Generals — “as tradition requires.”
